A Vampire's True Prowess
by fadedLily
Summary: Mwahahaha! A screwed up story about Hotaru and the G-Boys...I tried to be funny! Run in terror! UPDATE.
1. Live Weapon

A Vampire's _True_ Prowess  
By: IceQueen  
  
AN: I was inspired to write this while riding in a car. (Yes, strange. I know.) I was on the way to my piano lessons. (Yes, I take piano lessons. They're fun. I have the best teacher! Mrs.Hryniewicki.) I don't know why my mind suddenly wandered here, but it did. I remember that Linkin Park's In The End was on the radio, and I was just staring off into space. Okay, enough of my rambling. Onto the fic....  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or Sailor Moon. Those belong to their respective creators.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Duo Maxwell, six-hundred year old vampire, was walking down the street, looking for some tasty mortal to have as a treat.   
  
"Oh hum dee dum dee dum," he sang to himself. While he thought,_ too fat....  
  
too ugly....  
  
too mean....  
  
too young...  
  
too old.....  
  
perfect! _  
  
He spotted a delicate looking girl exiting an Italian restaurant, and turning to take a short cut down the alley. How convenient.... The girl looked the picture of a vampire with skin as white as snow, (AN: No! Not Snow White!) and hair as dark as midnight. He followed her down the alley.  
  
"Excuse me, miss," he began.  
  
The girl turned and for a second he drowned in the hypnotic pools of her violet eyes.   
  
"Yes?"   
  
"Do you know where I can find Luxem Road?" He said while coming to stand beside her. _So close,_ he thought to himself, _so close to that paper thin column._   
  
"Luxem Road? I think that it's~" Abruptly she was cut off as Duo roughly grabbed her by the shoulders and made a pass for her neck.   
  
"Hey!" She yelled, her breath streaming right into his face.  
"Aaaah!" Duo yelled and backed away, "What is that? Garlic?!"   
  
"Got that right buddy! Never mess with a fan of Italian cuisine! They always use a lot of garlic!" She yelled, spraying her breath at him again.   
  
"No!!!" Duo backed away from her, going out towards the street again.   
  
"That's right, feel the wrath of the Garlic Breath!!"   
  
"Haaaaaaaah," came the noise as she directed her potent breath at Duo again.   
  
"Nooooo! No! Noooooooooooo!"  
  
Suddenly the sun came up over the horizon, for it was 4:53 in the morning. Duo took one last step backwards as he was disintegrated by the light shining overhead. His last words were, "How could this happen to me? I'm six hundred! I'm supposed to know things by now!"  
  
Hotaru Tomoe smirked at the pile of smoldering ash, and reached into her purse. She pulled out a tube of binaca and sprayed a bit in her mouth. "Goes to show you..... never mess with an Italian-eating Slayer." She turned and walked away.   
  
To this day Duo Maxwell's demise has not been forgotten, and has served as a lesson to all in who walk in the Night. Hotaru Tomoe's name is now infamous among the Night-Walkers, and all live in fear of her and her garlic breath. (She's destroyed a lot of vamps with that potent breath of hers.) The Night-Walkers, especially a group called G-4 (it ain't G-5 no more,) are waiting patiently for the day they may have revenge on the loss of their comrade.   
  
~Fin~  
  
AN: What did you think? Was it good? I thought it was pretty amusing, myself. ^_^ Should I write a sequel? You decide! My first attempt at humor, so don't kill me.   
  
  



	2. The G-4 Gang-Up

A Vampire's _True_ Prowess:   
The G-4 Gang-Up   
By: IceQueen   
  
AN: Okay, you guys asked for it, so here it is! The sequel to AVTP! (It probably won't be as funny though.) Anyway, from the title I'm sure you can guess what's going to happen. Hope you enjoy!   
  
Disclaimer: I don't own GW or SM. (Hehehehe. S & M... hehehe)   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
It was a dark and stormy night, and seated around a table were four boys.   
  
The first had chocolate hair, the second: black, the third and fourth (who were playing footsie under the table,) had light brown and blonde hair, and the blonde was drinking tea from a dainty little cup.   
  
All the boys were wearing baggy jeans which hung off their asses, (their boxers were showing,) Fila tennis shoes, and big puffy Fubu vests. (Your first impression would be 'Ghetto Wannabes!')   
  
"Finally! We have.... a plan. The Slayer will pay!" Heero ranted at the head of the G-4 table.   
  
"Pay... pay... Slayer pay..... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Quatre muttered psychotically, the tea cup and saucer in his hands shattering beneath his iron grip.   
  
Wufei and Trowa glanced at each other, both wondering how they'd ended up with this insane bunch. Wufei shrugged as though to say,_ Hey, he's your ass-fucker. Don't look at me for help. _   
  
Meanwhile Quatre was now boucning around muttering to himself. "Blood.... red, sticky Slayer blood! BWAHAHAHAHA!"   
  
Heero was sitting in his chair, staring off into space with that impassive face of his, thinking God knows what. Suddenly he stood. "The plan commences tonight," he said and walked away.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
Hotaru Tomoe, vampire slayer, college junior, and Italian cuisine fan, walked down the dark street leading to her apartment on Elm. She'd just finished Midnight Mass at St.Mark's Cathedral, and was looking forward to a long nap before Mythology103 in the morning.   
  
She stopped outside her apartment building, noting the boy sitting on her stoop. He looked young, maybe 16 at the most, and was wearing torn, dirty clothes. "Hey kid, you okay?"   
  
He looked up, and the outdoor light illuminated ebony eyes. "Well, actually...." he began, but was cut off by a savage screech to Hotaru's left. A blur came by her and knocked her down. When Hotaru's vision came back into focus and her brain stopped sloshing around she saw a boy with platinum hair, and sky blue eyes which held madness in their depths.   
  
"Slayer...." the boy murmured, pinning her hands down, and moved to her neck, about to pierce the flesh.   
  
Suddenly he pulled back with a scream, and jumped off of her. "Holy water?!? What the fuck!?!!"   
  
"Well, duh, I was at church. Moron."   
  
"What'd you do bathe in it?"   
  
"Actually, no. I washed my face because the little boy next to me decided it would be a wonderful plan to smear jelly on my face." Hotaru informed him with a smile.   
  
Quatre smiled dangerously, and started attacking Hotaru with vicious punches and kicks. "Hey now! That's not nice!" She yelled, and fought back in her COMBAT BOOTS.   
  
Soon she had Quatre moving backwards, towards the watertower. She smiled when he came to stand underneath it. "Say goodnight." She murmured, and broke the watertower so that tons of water splashed down on Quatre.   
  
"Nooooo! Quaaaaaaaatreeeeeee!" Came a yell, and another blur knocked the boy out of the way.   
  
Trowa writhed in agony on the pavement as the BLESSED water acted like an acid and ate away his entire being. Finally all that was left were the silent boy's bones.   
  
"No! You bitch!" Quatre cried, and proceeded to leap onto Hotaru's back and choke her.   
  
She ran around wildly like a chicken with it's head cut off screeching, "EEEEEEEEEEEP!" Hotaru slammed him into a brick wall repeatedly, trying to do...... something. (Maybe she just liked the feel of _someone_ pounding on her. My, what a horny little slayer we have here.)   
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Quatre screamed suddenly, and lost his grip. Hotaru took the opporutunity to escape, but she turned around and looked at why exactly the psychotic tea-drinker was screaming.   
  
It turns out that on one of her slams she'd nailed Quatre to a pitch fork hanging on the side of a building. (Why is there a pitch fork there? Who knows! It's a crazy world!) Quatre vanished into a pile of dust, which Hotaru spat on.   
  
"Here. Have some more 'holy water'... lousy little wimp..."   
  
Meanwhile Wufei was leaning against the wall of a building, immensely enjoying the show. He hadn't expected a weak little onna to kick their butts so easily.... but he had forgotten to take into the account that Quatre _was_ an onna. And Trowa _was_ a lovesick puppy. _Oh well, it looks like G-4 is now G-2, _he thought with a sardonic smile. He was sitting there, waiting for Heero's signal. He was out there somewhere. That much he knew....   
  
Suddenly Hotaru was knocked to the ground (again,) by another blur. Wufei took it as his signal, and got ready for his part.   
  
Hotaru struggled fiercely with yet another vampire. She was getting really sick of this..... I mean, come on! What did they expect her to do? She had classes tomorrow! Heero finally pinned Hotaru down and moved in to taste the thick blood which flowed through her veins. Nothing was better than Slayer blood.   
  
He closed his mouth on the opposite side of her neck, and started to bite down only to pull back with a burnt tongue. "Jesus fucking Christ!" He looked down at the neck, only to see a carefully tattooed cross emblazed on her throat. He growled low in his throat. "Great... one side with holy water, the other with a cross. Fuck."   
  
While Heero was busy grumbling Hotaru took advantage of his position, and shot up her left leg, hitting her target accurately. "Oooh," Heero groaned, holding his crotch tenderly.   
  
"Haha! You should know better than to leave yourself exposed!" She smiled and began to throw punches and kicks.   
  
"Ooof." On a particularly hard punch Heero was knocked back into a bunch of garbage cans. Trash splayed out everywhere, and Hotaru bent down to retrieve a particularly useful object.   
  
"No. No. Please. I'll do anything. Just not that," Heero begged, eyes locked on the tiny object held in Hotaru's hand.   
  
She threw her head back and laughed. "Now you'll learn to respect the chinese culture." She stabbed Heero Yuy through the heart with a chopstick, and instantly he was vanquished into a mound of dust.   
  
Wufei, who had been perched from above, suddenly jumped down. Hotaru held her chopstick high and ready. "Please," he said, and bowed respectfully, "spare my life. I will do anything." He had seen this Slayer's power and was awed by it. He also didn't want to share the fate of his comrades and end up nothing more the ground up bones.   
  
"Anything?"   
"Anything." He replied.   
  
She looked thoughtful, then turned to him. "Here's the deal: I'll spare you if....."   
  
"If?" He asked.   
  
"If you become my eternal love-slave."   
  
He shrugged. "Okay." How bad could it be? I mean, she had one hot-ass body.   
  
The two walked off, Slayer and Vampire, hand in hand. They lived a happy life of fucking for the rest of Hotaru's days. And Wufei never once regretted his decision, cuz the girl could _move._   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
AN: Told you it wasn't as funny. I tried though, so don't yell at me. I tried to end it on a melancholy, yet amusing note. I'm not sure if I suceeded. Let me know if I did. Review.   
  



	3. Duo's Return

A Vampire's True Prowess: 

Duo's Return

By: Lily no Anrui (aka. IQ) 

Notes: 

Mana: I thought you said this fic was finished…?

Lily: It was. 

Mana: Then why are you writing more? &-.-&

Lily: Well…basically all these 'chapters' are just individual stories. 

Mana: Really? 

Lily: Yes…Didn't I just say that? ~_~;;

Mana: I suppose you did. So why are you writing more? 

Lily: Because I'm bored and I just got a great new idea for torturing the characters. 

Hotaru: Not again…I hated the last two fics. You made me look like a half-wit!

Lily: Hey, what are you doing here? 

Mana: Get back in the fic! –cracks whip- 

Disclaimer: 

Kami Bunny: -hops in- Lily doesn't own Gundam Wing or Sailor Moon! So please don't sue…all you'll get is some anime, manga, half-finished fics, poetry, and Jrock cds. Quite worthless, actually… 

It was a quiet night in Tokyo, Japan. The stars shone brilliantly, cutting through even the haze of fog and pollution that hung above the city. The streets were nearly empty, only the occasional cosplayer or partygoer passing through. The sound of the wind filtered through the open window of the apartment, serving to let out some of the heat on that stifling summer eve. 

Hotaru sighed and rolled over in her sleep. She lay on top of the bedsheets, attempting to be as cool as possible. Her black hair was tied back into a tight ponytail, and she had worn only a melon tank top and loose black shorts to bed. Wufei sat next to his sleeping slayer, studying her carefully. Usually she was still awake at this time, but the heat seemed to zap her energy like nothing else was capable of. He did admit it was sweltering out, and even he, a creature of the night, had to make allowances for it. 

Wufei reclined against the headboard and stretched out his legs. Instead of his customary clothing modeled after the style from his homeland, he wore a white tank top and olive green shorts, which had once been pants. He thought he looked rather disheveled in it, but Hotaru insisted it looked quite modern and rather sexy. Her exact words were something along the lines of, "Dammit, 'Fei, you look so hot I'd rip your goddamned clothes off right now if it weren't for this heat wave." 

He'd already been out hunting as soon as the sun had set. Running over to the Shibuya shopping district, Wufei had found a nice yummy little Gothic Lolita cosplayer and quickly sunk his fangs into that delicious little morsel. Now he was content to lull in the heat of his lover's apartment. 

Hotaru turned over again, facing him. A large chunk of hair fell over her face, and Wufei found himself hard pressed not to reach out and sweep it back. Finally giving into temptation, he did so, marveling at the silky texture as always. "Hm?" Hotaru murmured and stirred, her eyelids fluttering open. For a moment she simply stared at Wufei, before breaking into a grin. "Hey," she murmured quietly. 

"Hey," Wufei said in return. Smiling just a bit, he leaned down and gave her a quick kiss. Looping an arm around him, Hotaru pulled him in for another. "Missed you," she murmured between kisses. "I missed you too," Wufei replied, and kissed her again harder. Things were just beginning to get hot and heavy when there was a small sound heard. 

"BANG!" 

Smiling to each other, Hotaru said, "They're at it again." By 'they' Hotaru was referring to their neighbors, who were just about as horny as she and Wufei were. The two couples often had contests as to who could make the most noise. Assuming it was the neighbors, they paid no attention, and continued making out. 

"Ahem! Hello!?" A voice squaked, sounding rather irritated. 

Startled, Wufei sprang up from the bed, getting into a defensive position. Hotaru took her time rising, reaching under her pillow and grabbing her trusty stake, Mr. Pointy. "Who are you and what are you doing here?" She asked coldly, glaring into the darkness of the room. A figure slowly emerged from the shadows. 

"Who am I?" It cried incredulously, "You kill me, and you don't even know who I am? What kind of crap is that?" 

Hotaru looked puzzled, raising an eyebrow, "Uh…should I?" 

"Damn straight!" The shadow said, slowly sliding forth. Meanwhile, Wufei was holding his carefully practiced martial arts stance, and trying to puzzle out where he recognized that voice. He could remember, 'What kind of crap is that, Wu-man?' It clicked and he said slowly, "Duo…? Duo is that you?" 

There was silence, and then a loud explosive sigh, "Dammit, 'Fei! You ruined the whole surprise!" Duo stepped from the shadows, looking much as he had the day Hotaru killed him. "Um…didn't I kill you?" Hotaru asked uncertainly. 

"Sure you did!" Duo chirped, "Just imagine I pulled some Dracula-like trick." He shrugged, and then adopted a menacing look. "And now…I am here to get revenge for my death! BLAAAAAHHH!" He said, stalking towards Hotaru with comical, halting steps and raising his arms like a zombie. 

Hotaru stared on like he was an idiot. "Get real," she said, "I killed you once, I can kill you again." She rolled her eyes, unbelieving of the audacity of the undead. To attack someone on the street and get killed, then to come back and demand revenge in that person's home! What a moron! 

"Gr, you think so?" Duo said darkly. Abruptly, he launched himself at her. The two tumbled down onto the ground, rolling around, each person frantically trying to gain the upper hand. For Hotaru it was strangely reminiscent of nights spent alone with Wufei…but the context was a bit different. 

Meanwhile, Wufei shifted from foot to foot, wondering which side to take. On one hand, he had one of his only friends still alive…sort of. On the other he had his fuck buddy…Decisions, decisions. "Can't we just all be friends?" Wufei cried, throwing up his hands. 

Duo rolled on top of Hotaru, grabbing her hair and slamming her head into the floor. The slayer saw fireworks behind her eyes, and not the good kind. "Ugh…yes, can't we?" She asked, still laden with sleep and unable to be dealing with vengeful vampires at such an hour. Duo cocked his head to the side and looked at her, "Well…" he began, "I don't see why not…" 

He got up off of Hotaru, and offered her a hand. She accepted albeit warily, and stood up slowly, testing to see if the immensely strong vampire had done any real damage. Satisfied, she nodded. Wufei moved to Hotaru's side, also checking for damage using a more thorough technique. "Does this hurt?" he asked, and jabbed a finger into a prominent bruise on her arm. Hotaru winced, "Gee, I don't know, 'Fei. Why don't you do it again?" 

Duo grinned at the pair. "Now when you guys said friends…you didn't say that just to get me to leave you alone, did you?" 

"No, of course not," Wufei said immediately. "To coin a phrase, I may run and hide, but I never lie." 

"Great!" Duo cried, getting an evil glint in his eyes. Laughing, he shoved them both onto the bed, and said, "'Cause being my friend includes a lot more than you'd think." He winked and proceeded to do some very…strange…things to them. 

On the humid summer night, when the pavement steamed under the starlit sky, a pact was formed between two different worlds, and three different people. A pact of allegiance, friendship, and fucking. 

Mana: Baaaaaad fic. 

Kami: Yes, that was quite horrible. Not up to your usual standards. 

Wufei: You left me at the mercy of Duo!

Duo: Hehehe—come on, WuWu! It wasn't all bad! Remember I was heard you when you—murrrf! 

Wufei: -holds hands over Duo's mouth- Don't ever say it, Maxwell. I warn you. 

Hotaru: -nods- That's right, D-kun. Wufei is mine. We can share, but I take to priority. 

Duo: -nodnod- 

Lily: My god…I'm stuck with crazy fictional characters. Help! 

Mana: Hey, Kami and I aren't fictional! 

Kami: Yeah, we're muses!

Lily: …Change that to crazy fictional characters and muses then…anyway minna, please review. Arigatou! 

Kami: Sayonara, minna! 

Mana: Until the next fic! 


End file.
